It’s been almost 10 years. 10 years of suffering. 10 years of fighting a war against myself that I won’t ever get back. The mere sight of that number makes me feel utterly nauseous and I can feel my knees getting weak. These illnesses have invaded and ruined every part of my life and me, and yet I am still expected to be able to look ahead with hope and positive thoughts.
I still remember the first few years of this misery. How I begged and cried and hoped and tried to get better and yet nothing helped, nothing changed. I just kept getting worse. What if that’s all I’m here for? To get worse and worse and worse?
I’m tired of feeling like I’m choking.
I’m tired of listening to ‘stay strong’s and ‘you can do it’s because quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy anymore.
Hopefulness is a rare feeling inside of me; most of the time I just feel utterly nauseous and miserable and low. The fact that I’m seemingly unable to handle life, my responsibilities and my demons certainly isn’t helpful in that regard either.
Time is not on my side. Not now, not ever. And it’s exactly that fact that keeps me in this sea of pure despair.
Maybe I just need some time off, some time away from everything and everyone to decide what to do, to decide, once and for all, if going on is truly what I desire or if leaving is the best option.