it is 1am and i just finished some additional work stuff despite the fact that i originally told my colleagues i’d finish and send them the stuff tomorrow. dunno what it is with work?? i just really want them to love me and consider me irreplaceable as much as possible which is pretty much the one thing i’ve tried to accomplish since my very first day back then when i was still an intern
and i guess it’s working?? i mean they already offered me the trainee position for when i’m done with uni because i told them i’d love to do it and because i like to remind them that “i’m their *best* student assistant” lmao WHICH THEY OPENLY AGREE TO ok??
the fear that one slip-up could be enough for them to drop me is always there and i know it’s bpd that’s affecting my mindset there, however, it’s incredibly hard to fight it. even on days when i try to tell myself that i do a lot more than is necessary, that i’m always ready to help out etc. etc., it still never seems enough, u know? and i know it’s because i don’t consider myself enough (not good enough, not worthy enough of anything, never ever enough) because as much as i’d love to bs my way through this, i still feel the same i did more than 10 years ago: that i’m not enough regardless of what i do and how hard i try.
it still sucks. big time.
of course i’m trying to work on that. some days more than others. more often than not i just don’t have the energy to actively fight these things and instead pick things from my *resources* list which allow me to recharge, to find some energy in different nooks and corners of my mind in order to not feel as suicidal as i usually do, in order to find distraction and maybe even something like happiness (????) in the small things that are part of my life. and i guess i *know* that that’s a good thing, that that’s part of getting through the day, you know?
but today, i guess, i just couldn’t be bothered with doing any that, with not letting my thoughts wander all over the place – only to find the heaviest rocks that will inevitably drown me in the ocean of my mind, again and again.
idk. today i just feel stuck and tired. tbh there isn’t even a point in any of these words except that suddenly everything started overwhelming me again and i just needed these things to be written down.
it’s 01:36 rn. nighty night @ all of u.