Category Archives: Writing

(untitled)

Your words,
spreading like wildfire,
set each fibre aflame.
The smoke,
engulfing my insides,
is suffocating me with shame.


Do not.

BPD is killing me.
Once again,
[Don’t touch me.]
rage, so violent
[Don’t come close to me.]
hatred, seething through these veins
[Don’t talk to me.]
bitterness, too venomous to ignore
[Don’t be here.]
are running through my pores, sticking to my skin –
[Don’t touch me. Don’t come close. Don’t talk. Don’t be.]
leaving a trail of
fire
[Don’t.]
behind. If only tearing
my body apart,
[Don’t.]
exposing these insides
[Don’t.]
helped for more than mere minutes.
[Don’t.]
Yet these minutes
[Don’t.]
are keeping me alive.
[Leave.]


Tonight

Misery is filling the air around me, my lungs inhaling it, slowly, but steadily.

It’s a usual night, quiet, yet not peaceful; dry, yet too warm to be able to breathe easily. As I’m writing these words, darkness has started settling over the horizon, leaving nothing but a pitch black view and an inkling of gloom. If I were to get up, the tiny window would allow me to see my wretched reflection; a mirror of who I am, say others, while a lie is all I can observe.

What is it like to know who you are?

To not constantly question your entire being, to feel like something else but a heart that has been shattered over and over again, a soul that is beyond repair, broken and incomplete — without hope?

I don’t know.

Demons are constantly whispering into my ears, living inside of me, taking up every inch. There’s no more space for “me”, whoever that may be; perhaps there never was.

And even when I try to reach out, to fight, to find myself, peace, sanity, — comfort, there is still nothing to hold on to.

There’s only darkness.

(I am alone. I am no one. I am nothing.)

Perhaps Death would be a kinder companion.


ex·haus·tion

Getting out of bed is too much, pretending to smile is taking all I have.
I’m tired of walking and climbing through this life when my steps feel like nothing, but exhaustion. Why do I have to keep trying? I’ve died a long time ago, and this human shell of mine is impatiently waiting for its final resting place.


I can’t stop writing about you // Part 5

[12:56]
Your skin on mine is the only touch I don’t mind. While I run from others’, I crave yours.

[01:24]
Hold my hand, I want to walk through the night with you; dance along to the melody you are humming. There are no analogies that could fit your handsome smile, no amount of colours that could reflect the warmth you radiate.

[05:38]
If home is where the heart is, then I’m nowhere near it;
too far away is the one that keeps it safe.
Though even if you were right next to me,
I’d still wish for your hand to join mine.

[09:45]
a perfect match,
only two pieces – a small
puzzle, yet complete.
you + me,
that‘s all I need.

[04:42]
I‘m aching for your touch; these bones within are struggling to keep up, wishing for this icy exterior to melt. Your love is my warmth, it is the only key you need.

[00:24]
In your arms,
it’s as simple as that,
I am at peace.
In your heart,
nowhere else,
is where I belong.

***

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4


To whom it may concern

I am not what you need,
nothing
but darkness, a mere rain cloud.
Used to be called sunshine,
but even that had to end some time.

I am not what you need,
nothing
but an anchor pulling you down.
Wished I could be an angel, if only
for you, yet this demon cannot fly.

I am not what you need, but my
God,
I wish I was, wish I could be.
Still I fear that as much as I’d love
to be your happiness, I am not.

I am not what you need, but I am
here;
not for long, not forever. My life’s
curtain is falling
finally.


Not yours (Part 1)

Years of fighting,
still not enough.
Nights spend bleeding,
this life’s tough.

Demons in these minds,
tearing us apart.
People are watching,
thinking it’s art.

Pain’s not fascinating
despite words of charm.
These bruises not pretty,
just hell’s way of harm.

Don’t turn away,
when darkness appears,
these are our lives,
these are our fears.


Perhaps it’s something else

I’m sad
because inside of me I’m constantly fighting,
losing
against the demons in my head.
While they are grinning,
tears are running down my face.

I’m sad
because their screaming is louder than my
pleading
for help; I am trapped, alone.
Poison is running through my veins,
my reflection is distorted.

I’m sad
because the darkness is me, and I am
afraid
of tainting you with my touch.
It is only a matter of time
until I have lost my worth.


Desire.

Let me be one of the stars,
I no longer wish to remain.
Being on this earth is agony,
staying is nothing but vain.

The night sky above is calling,
it’s reaching out for my soul.
These demons living within me
are trying to swallow me whole.

And I know I promised to resist,
yet this heart is weary of time.
My bones are heavy and cold
as I write down this final rhyme:

I’ve fought each gloom and light,
sought peace and quiet in art.
But the ink that used to define me
tore me step by step apart.


(morning)

I cannot breathe,
suddenly,
cannot think straight. I am
stuck.
My end is looming over my head
like a guillotine; I am
waiting.
For a sign, the right moment, an
excuse to not give in – yet
there is neither. I am
alone,
torn.
It is time.