Tag Archives: prose

Tonight

Misery is filling the air around me, my lungs inhaling it, slowly, but steadily.

It’s a usual night, quiet, yet not peaceful; dry, yet too warm to be able to breathe easily. As I’m writing these words, darkness has started settling over the horizon, leaving nothing but a pitch black view and an inkling of gloom. If I were to get up, the tiny window would allow me to see my wretched reflection; a mirror of who I am, say others, while a lie is all I can observe.

What is it like to know who you are?

To not constantly question your entire being, to feel like something else but a heart that has been shattered over and over again, a soul that is beyond repair, broken and incomplete — without hope?

I don’t know.

Demons are constantly whispering into my ears, living inside of me, taking up every inch. There’s no more space for “me”, whoever that may be; perhaps there never was.

And even when I try to reach out, to fight, to find myself, peace, sanity, — comfort, there is still nothing to hold on to.

There’s only darkness.

(I am alone. I am no one. I am nothing.)

Perhaps Death would be a kinder companion.

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ex·haus·tion

Getting out of bed is too much, pretending to smile is taking all I have.
I’m tired of walking and climbing through this life when my steps feel like nothing, but exhaustion. Why do I have to keep trying? I’ve died a long time ago, and this human shell of mine is impatiently waiting for its final resting place.


I can’t stop writing about you // Part 4

[03:55]
As I look into your eyes, my heart skips a beat. I’ve never seen a more beautiful combination of colours.
You are hiding a galaxy of secrets and I just wish to explore each part of you.

[06:33]
Days like these I’m eating my heart out for you, yet instead of your familiar taste, there’s nothing but bittersweet tears meeting my lips.

[09:23]
Rest your hands on my hips and pull me close,
help me keep my balance as I stand on tiptoes to kiss you,
again and again.
And again.
I promise I’m all yours, so long as you are mine.

[11:09]
Have you ever wondered how many colours I’d need to paint our love? Each time we share a smile, it feels like even the entire universe wouldn’t be able to express this masterpiece.

[00:58]
Your body should be next to mine,
it’s your touch that I miss,
I wish teleportation was a thing already,
my lips crave yours to kiss.

[02:34]
I desire you in ways I’ve never yearned for anything. Your voice is heaven to my ears, and your smile the reason my heart flutters with joy. When I’m in your arms, I know it’s where I belong.

[00:23]
Nothing feels sweeter than to be loved by you.

[10:50]
When your lips settle on mine, I want your hands to caress my skin. Show me that you want me as much as I want you because truth to be told, even when I’m already close to you, my longing for you only deepens.

[05:52]
Have I ever told you that you are my light?
You keep me warm and safe, and there’s no one who makes me feel happier about being still alive.


(tw: never mind)

Silence is like a knife
twisting within my gut.
My demons, using the break
to pull apart my mind.
Perhaps this is it. Perhaps
I should leave. After all,
no reason to stay is
a good reason to go.


tw: i feel too sad

Overwhelmed with sadness
I find it hard to breathe on.
Each day is coloured by misery
and my mind is too far gone.

If giving up was easier
and meant a lot less pain,
this sharp and ice-cold knife
would have already met my vein.

Yet as it is these scars
are as far as I can go,
to express my darkest despair
about how I feel too low.


Just a ghost. Just tired.

When I think about words to describe myself, I cannot help but reach out for those that describe me as nothing but useless and utterly hopeless. Each day is rushing past me, and each step I take seems to be too much for me to handle. I feel like I could crumble to pieces if I didn’t force myself to stay put together, if I wasn’t made out of a shell of a body that is covered in skin.

I try each day to keep going, I try each day to not give up. Heck, next week I’m even able to say that I have managed to not wear any gloves (which I needed due to my OCD) for two fucking years – and yet it’s not enough.
The fact that I’m still stuck in this misery after almost 10 years is killing me.
The fact that I will have to struggle for the rest of my life is discouraging.

Why am I even still trying?

I spend too many of my days in bed, staring at nothing in particular, feeling exhausted, feeling miserable, asking why I feel like I’m split into broken parts. These thoughts inside of my mind are driving me mad and whenever they overwhelm me, I cannot stop shaking.
Did you know that when I look into the mirror, I cannot even recognise myself anymore? It’s true. I see a face that has a hard time keeping up a smile, I paint myself “pretty” (whatever that might mean) and yet each night when I stare into my eyes, I feel like it’s not me who is looking back.
Like finally,
after all this time,
I truly am nothing but my illnesses.

Just a tired soul, waiting for the end.


m:sery

This head
nothing but a vessel
for misery;
yet infinitely it cannot
be filled.
One day
it’s going to spill over
and burst,
I’m just waiting for when
it’ll get me killed.


TW: Free me

I loathe how miserable
you make me feel, even
when I ask you for silence.
You say it is
because you care, but how
can love be what drives you
when you disregard my screaming?
I am choking
on your words.
They are like a noose around my neck.
You say
that you love me,
but you don’t.
You say
it’s for my own good,
but I can’t stop crying.
You say
you would never wish to harm me,
yet still I’m here, drowning
in my own pool of blood.

(Free me.)


(00:12)

Torn, I am standing in front of
the mirror, asking if this is
me.
My eyes are still searching
for the person that I used to
be.
I’m tired of all the fighting,
it’s killing me each day and
night.
I’m starting to believe that
I was just never meant to be
alright.


I can’t stop writing about you // Part 3

[04:01]
My skin yearns for your touch. Like a fire asking for oxygen to burn, I need your fingertips brushing over my body to stay alight.

[00:44]
Kiss me. There are words trapped between my lips that only you should get to hear.

[03:44]
Push me against a wall. Let your lips rest on mine and kiss me like you are trying to steal my last breath. I’m longing for your kind of love. It’s my favourite one.

[06:57]
I want to explore your skin, whisper secrets as I appreciate every inch of you.

[03:23]
Let me fulfil your desires. The thought of your voice alone turns me upside down.

[10:29]
It’s okay that my heart isn’t perfect. It’s okay that it has scars all over and some pieces are even missing. After all, it doesn’t mean that I cannot love you. It only means that my love for you is seeping through my whole body, from the top of my head to the tip of my toe.
I do not just love you with my whole heart. I love you with my whole being.

[01:44]
Claim me as yours.
We can dance together
and my nails will paint masterpieces on your skin.

[00:01]
Stars are trapped within me and I cannot wait to share the taste of this galaxy with you again.